This page is for the dialogue for all the scenes with Robert Small. Depending on how you play his route will determine how his character will be displayed.
Introduced to Robert[ | ]
In Jim and Kim's[ | ]
[TBA]
At the Barbeque[ | ]
[TBA]
First Date[ | ]
Robert was pretty nice. A little odd... but nice. And ruggedly handsome. We should hang out. I type out a message to him on Dadbook.
Avatar: "Hey Robert, good seeing you again at the cookout. Wanna grab a drink?"
I sit there for a couple seconds, hoping he'll message me back.
...
Hey! It says that he read my message.
I anxiously wait for a response.
- Twiddle my thumbs
- Hey this is kind of enjoyable. Look at those thumbs go.
- They sure are twiddling.
- I wonder if Robert has replied yet.
- He still has not responded.
- Twiddle my thumbs (x2)
- Look at those thumbs go.
- They sure are twiddling.
- Twiddle my thumbs (x3)
- I'm becoming an expert twiddler!
- Twiddle my thumbs (x4)
- Fuck, my thumbs are tired.
[Continuing to click the 'Twiddle my thumbs' option will display this same dialogue indefinitely, and the scene won't progress until you choose the 'Watch cat videos on the internet' option.
- Watch cat videos on the internet
- After all that twiddling I've basically forgotten about Robert. I decide to start down a rabbit hole of cat videos.
- I didn't realize how long I've been doing this, but by the time I watch maybe my 30th cat video, Robert pops back into my head.
- I jump back over to Dadbook to see if he's responded yet.
- Nothing. Well, I guess the guy's busy.
- I might as well make the best of my day...
I get up, walk to the living room, then sit down and turn on the TV.
- History Channel
- Avatar: Ooh, Naked and Afraid: Catching the Deadliest Ancient Aliens is on.
- TV: I'm so cold...I'm so scared...at this rate, I don't think we're gonna catch these aliens by Day 50.
- Avatar: I'm having trouble following this.
- TV: Ancient Astronaut theorists predict that being naked makes you ten times more likely to find ancient aliens. Some suggest that aliens are fascinated with the human physique, most notably the butt.
- Avatar: Okay I'm back in.
- Food Channel
- Ooh, Meat Hell is on.
- TV Announcer: You have ten minutes to cook a five-course meal that must include these ingredients: steak, lemon meringue pie, paper clips, and a hammer. If you are unable to finish cooking or if any of these ingredients are absent from the dish, we will release the wolves.
- Avatar: Oh my god.
- TV Announcer: I'm not kidding.
- Contestant: Please help us.
- Game show
- Ooh, Family Fortune's on.
- TV Announcer: Alright Nicole, your parents are in the lead and it's up to you to win it big. Are you ready?
- Nicole: I'm ready!
- They hook the contestant up to a lie detector in front of her parents.
- TV Announcer: Who is your favorite parent?
- Nicole: Uh...my m-mom?
- TV Announcer: Ooh, sorry. Incorrect. Next question!
- TV Announcer: If both of your parents were hanging off the edge of a cliff, which would you save?
- Nicole: UHHHHH...........
- This is terrible...
- I love it.
I lose several hours to whatever the hell that was. Sighing, I get up and walk around the house. My stomach grumbles.
Avatar: Time for lunch, huh. Well, I guess it's time for ol' Chef Avatar to cook a gourmet delicacy.
I walk over to the refrigerator and open the door.
- Make a sandwich
- I make a sandwich in its entirety while standing there. Who needs plates?
- Avatar: The Standwich. A lost art.
- I admire my work for a second before I clumsily drop the entire thing on the floor.
- Avatar: Noooo!
- I look around and remember that Amanda's not home.
- Avatar: This is still good.
- Avatar: Five second rule, right?
- I reassemble my sandwich, peeling pickles off the floor and putting them back where they belong: in my mouth.
- Avatar: Wait, I'm a wreck.
- Microwave some eggs
- This seems easy enough.
- I put some eggs in the microwave and set the timer.
- 1 minute
- The eggs come out pretty ok. They are a little rubbery but I'm apathetic enough to hork them down.
- 3 minutes
- These eggs taste like I got them out of a vending machine for a quarter. Rubber bouncy balls.
- 17 minutes
- Eight minutes into cooking the eggs a thick plume of black smoke begins to emit from the microwave.
- For some reason the eggs start to spark and catch on fire.
- I pull the plug on the microwave and try to fan out the egg fire.
- The entire kitchen smells of plastic and burning.
- But these are the best microwaved eggs I've ever had.
- Mustard jar
- It's just too much work to make food.
- I reach into the back of the fridge and find an old mustard jar.
- Oooh brown and spicy. This will be a treat.
- I put in my first spoonful of mustard and immediately realize this was a mistake.
- I lean over the sink and drink some water straight out of the faucet. Blah, mustard alone is not a meal. If only I had some parmesan...
Amanda crying[ | ]
I finish my snack and walk around the house some more, bored. When's Amanda coming home?
Avatar: Oh! I just remembered something!
When we were packing up the old house, we found an old basketball hoop that would hang off of a door. It would really bring the living room together. I wonder where I put that.
I spend a couple minutes poking around the new place until I find it. After installing it above one of the doors in the living room, I'm ready to dunk.
Avatar: Come on and slam.
I take a leap from the free throw line and rocket that sucker down the net. The crowd goes wild.
Avatar: And welcome to the jam.
I pull up from the three point line, breaking ankles and sinking a fadeaway.
Avatar: And I forgot the rest of the words to this song.
No look behind the back hookshot. Everyone's on their feet.
Avatar: Something something Space Jam.
Amanda: Dad?
I turn around to see Amanda standing in the doorway. Her eyes are a little puffy, almost as if she'd been crying.
Avatar: Hey Manda Panda, you alright?
Amanda: What are you doing?
Avatar: I uh...found the hoop. And I'm taking it to the hole.
Amanda: ...
Amanda: Pass me the rock.
- Laser the ball to Amanda
- Granny toss that apple
- Put up a brick
[No matter which option you choose the following dialogue will be the same.]
Avatar: I lead the league in blocks. Set the record for rebounds in my rookie year. Think you can handle this?
Amanda: What's a rebound?
Avatar: Oh, uh, when someone misses a shot and the other players try to retrieve it, that's a...
Amanda: JUST KIDDING
Amanda zig zags past me and tips a layup into the hoop.
Amanda: Art of War, bitches.
Avatar: Amanda, language.
Amanda: Sun Tzu didn't care about language.
Avatar: I would argue that Sun Tzu cared very much about language, so... once you write something as timeless as the Art of War, then you're allowed to swear.
Amanda sticks out her tongue and dunks for another 2 points.
Avatar: Seriously though, are you okay? You look like you've been crying.
Amanda: Oh. Dude, I'm cool. I just saw like, this really cute dog on the way home and it let me pet its belly. I couldn't contain my emotions.
- Are you sure that's all you're upset about? - Like
- Avatar: If there's, you know... anything going on... I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And I'll always be here for you.
- Avatar: Whether you need a shoulder to cry on or a strong Dad to go kick someone's butt, I'm only a phone call away.
- Amanda: Thanks, Popsicle. I appreciate that.
- Amanda: But I'm fine. Really.
- I'm unconvinced, but I'll stop badgering her about it. I'm sure she'll tell me when she's ready.
- You have to tell me what's actually wrong - Dislike
- Avatar: Why are you lying to me?
- Amanda: I'm... not? I'm perfectly fine.
- Avatar: ...alright.
- I don't believe her, but I'll let it go for now.
- Tell me more about this dog - Like
- Amanda: Gladly. She was a little french bulldog named Jacqueline and her tongue was permanently stuck out of her mouth. She had a little sweater on.
- Avatar: Wow. I probably also would have cried if I got to pet her.
- Amanda: She was so excited for tummy rubs. Oh no, I'm tearing up just thinking about it!
- But seriously... - Like
- Avatar: You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
- Amanda: Yeah! That's why I'm talking about my love for french bulldogs with you.
- Avatar: Okay... just... remember that it's okay to be sad.
- Avatar: And also remember that I love you very much.
- Avatar: And only want what's best for you.
- Avatar: That's all.
- Amanda: Alright, alright, geez. Don't make me cry again.
- Change the subject
- [Ends the conversation.]
Avatar: Oh... okay. Just making sure.
Amanda: Maybe you should be less concerned with my face and more concerned with full court press.
Amanda and I play ball for a little longer, then we cook dinner together. We manage to not almost burn down the house this time.
Afterward, Amanda and I dig into a carton of ice cream over an episode of Chopped: Toddler Tournament.
Toddler: What you have in front of you is a molecularly deconstructed sweet potato with a brown sugar demi-glace with creme fraiche, of course.
Judge: This is literally a jar of baby food.
The toddler immediately bursts into tears.
Amanda: Are we bad people for watching this?
Avatar: Yes.
Just then, my computer dings.
Avatar: Huh? What's that?
Amanda: Oh, you probably just got a message.
Amanda and I walk over to the computer and check Dadbook. It's a message from Robert!
Robert: "you up?"
Robert: "wyd"
Avatar: What does that mean?
Amanda: 'What you doing'.
Avatar: What am I doing?
Amanda: You're just chillin'.
- I'm just chilling.
- I type back "Just chilling." Amanda deletes the "g" and hits send.
- Avatar: "Just chillin"
- Amanda: It'll make you look cooler.
- I'm watching television with my daughter.
- Amanda: Wow Dad, pretty square.
- Just working on my motorcycle.
- Amanda: Dad, you're spinning a web of lies.
- Robert: "you have never been on a motorcycle in your life"
- Robert: "i don't think you've ever even touched a motorcycle"
- Robert: "nice try tho"
A couple moments pass by. Another message pops up.
Robert: "wanna grab a drink"
Amanda: Hey! That means he wants to hang out!
Avatar: I know what that means, Amanda.
Avatar: But it's kinda late...
Amanda: C'mon pops, live a little.
Avatar: I am living. With ice cream. And traumatized toddlers.
Amanda: Well it's your life, but I think you'd have a lot of fun tonight. You are trying to get to know the neighbors better, aren't you?
Avatar: Ugh. Fine.
I type back a message to Robert asking him for details and he tells me to meet him at Jim and Kim's.
Avatar: Well, don't wait up for me.
Amanda: I never do.
I throw on a nice jacket and run out the door. It's only a short walk to Jim and Kim's and it's a beautiful night.
At Jim and Kim's[ | ]
I walk into the bar and see the usual crowd of barflies drinking beer and watching sports. I spot Robert at the back of the bar and wave hi as I walk over.
Avatar: Hey man, how's it going?
Robert: Hey buddy.
Mary: Ahoy there, skipper.
Robert AND Mary are here? Uh oh.
Robert: I brought Mary along. Figured we needed a drinking buddy.
Ah man. I was excited to get to know Robert a little better. Now I have to deal with this weird married lady making passes at me.
Mary: Don't look so scared, kiddo. We're just having a drink.
Robert: Yeah. Speaking of which, I think it's time for the first round. What are ya having?
- Beer - Neutral
- Robert: While admirable, I disagree.
- Something tropical - Dislike
- Robert: What do I look like? A toucan? Welcome to the Robert party.
- Whiskey, straight up - Love
- Robert: A Dad after my own heart, huh.
Robert orders three shots of whiskey and passes them between us. Well, this wasn't how I expected my night to be going.
Mary: Here's to bad decisions and relaxed moral values, fellas.
What have I gotten myself into?
We all knock back the shots. I almost choke on the whiskey as it burns down my throat.
Holy hell that was a kick. I look over at Robert and Mary, who seem like old pros at this.
Robert grabs his jacket and throws it on.
Robert: Let's get marching.
Avatar: What?
Robert: The night's young, chief. Come on, we're bar hopping.
Avatar: Oh... alright.
We leave the bar and start walking down the street. I still don't know this area of town very well, so I just follow Robert.
Avatar: So where are we headed?
Robert: Irish I Were Drinking. It's an Irish pub.
Avatar: A good pun is the whis-key to my heart.
Mary: ...
Mary: Puns are the lowest form of humor, Avatar. Try harder.
Ouch. Am I gonna be the butt of the joke all night?
Robert: Jesus, Mary. Put your fangs away for a second.
At Irish I Were Drinking[ | ]
We walk into Irish I Were Drinking. The bar is pretty much the same as Jim and Kim's, except for the old timey Irish memorabilia on the wall.
Robert: Next round. What are ya having?
- Whiskey hasn't failed me yet - Love
- Robert: Let's do it!
- Beer might be good - Like
- Robert: Again, I respect your lifestyle decisions, while I may not necessarily agree with them. Still though, my question was rhetorical.
- Do they make fruity Irish cocktails? - Dislike
- Robert: Nope.
Robert orders three more glasses of whiskey and we post up in a garish green booth. Mary slides in and sidles up next to Robert, which makes me breathe a sigh of relief.
Robert: Let's sip this one, why don't we?
Mary: Suit yourself.
Mary immediately downs her shot in one gulp and burps loudly.
Mary: That'll put hair on your chest.
Robert: You are truly the paragon of grace and beauty.
Mary grabs my drink and sips on it.
Avatar: Hey!
Mary: Avatar, be a dear and get us another round, will ya?
I don't know how to process this evening at all. I get up and order another round of drinks from the bartender. As I head back I see Mary and Robert having a lively conversation. Robert roars with laughter. I don't think I've ever seen the guy smile, let alone laugh.
I take a seat across the booth from them and pass out the drinks.
Mary: So Edith's kid snuck some pot brownies onto the table at the last bake sale, right? And I spot that little hemp-sweatshirted gremlin in the act, so I go up to Edith with the baggie and I'm about to tell her when all of a sudden she just freaks out at me.
Mary: "You're ruining the bakesale," she says, "I should have been PTA president," "your roots are bad," and blah blah blah.
Robert: So what'd you do?
Mary: I told her to have a brownie and that everything was gonna be fine.
They both erupt in laughter. I politely follow along with the story.
Mary: She ate three.
More laughter. Okay, that was actually pretty funny.
Mary: She called the cops and told them that time had stopped.
Mary looks directly at me.
Mary: Do you smoke weed?
Avatar: What?
Mary: You know, the devil's lettuce.
Avatar: I....
Mary: I have two big fat blunts in my purse right now. Wanna blaze?
Avatar: Uh...
- What? No! - Dislike
- Avatar: I can't believe you would...
- Avatar: I don't even know how you...
- Avatar: This is a preposterous...
- Avatar: Ugh.
- I am a law-abiding citizen - Like
- Mary: Weed is legal in Massachusetts.
- Avatar: Then I am a super law-abiding citizen.
- You with the feds? - Love
- Avatar: I worked hard for what I have and no two-bit corner boy is gonna drop the dime on me.
- Avatar: So you take what you're pushing somewhere else and I'll keep running my business the way I want it run.
- Mary: What?
- Avatar: Remember. You come at the king, you best not miss.
- Mary: Jesus kid, dial it back.
Robert giggles helplessly.
Mary: I'm just kidding, cowboy.
Robert: Lay off the kid, Mary. He might not be used to your brand of humor.
Mary: Fine, fine.
We sit around and sip our drinks, people-watching and cracking jokes. After a little bit of time I begin to warm up to Mary. Her jokes become funnier and much less scary.
...But, it seems like she's not going anywhere any time soon. I just wanted some alone time with Robert. I wonder if I can get her to leave somehow...
- Isn't Joseph wondering where you are? - Dislike
- Mary: Whoa, buddy. Bringing the sanctity of marriage into this.
- Avatar: I... uh...
- Mary: No no, it's fine. You dig into my private life that I'm sure you think is your business.
- Robert: Slow down, Mary.
- Lots of eligible bachelors around here, huh? - Dislike
- Mary: You know, I was hoping for a quiet evening with my friends.
- Mary: No drama, no unwarranted advances, just friendship.
- Mary: But no, you gotta call me out like that.
- Avatar: Mary I...
- Mary: No, no, it's fine.
- Could you get the next round? - Neutral
Mary: You trying to ditch me, pal?
Avatar: I... no...
Mary: Because if you're trying to ditch me you can just tell me to scram.
Avatar: I... just...
Mary: No, no, it's fine. Avatar wants alone time with his new best buddy Robert.
Mary: Read you loud and clear. The wingman breaks formation to pursue their prey.
Mary: Now if you fellas will excuse me, Mary needs to sink her teeth into a helpless boy.
Robert: Go with god.
Avatar: Nice seeing you.
Mary: Deuces, nerds.
Mary gets up and saunters over to a younger looking guy at the bar.
Robert: She grows on you.
Avatar: Does she, though? I feel like she kinda delights in making men suffer.
Robert: Well, she does.
Avatar: But what about her and Joseph?
Robert: What about em?
Avatar: You know... they're married? And she definitely tried to get in my pants the other night? And—
I gesture to her across the bar, where she's making goo goo eyes at that young guy from before. He looks like he's being held hostage.
Robert: Oh, that's just a thing she does. She's harmless.
Avatar: Tell that to the boy she's hanging off of. Poor kid looks like he's seen war.
Robert lets out a hearty laugh. Hey. I got him to laugh!
Robert: Aw man, you know I pegged you for one of those straight-laced types.
Avatar: Oh don't worry, I got pretty wild back in my day.
Robert: Still got a little wild in you?
- You know it! - Love
- There's so much wild in me - Dislike
- Avatar: I get so wild I've got... uh... a whole safari in here. Just really wild. All the time.
- Robert: Uh huh.
- I HAVE A CHILD I NEED TO CARE FOR - Dislike
- Robert: Ah, well, that's a shame.
- Avatar: Catch you around, Robert.
- I head home and make sure to drink a glass of water and have a multivitamin before bed. I probably made the right decision. I think.
- [You did not. Ends the date.]
Robert orders a couple more rounds of shots. I gulp. What am I getting myself into?
Robert: Think you can go shot for shot?
There's only one way to look cool here. I grab the shot closest to me and down it.
Robert looks impressed. He takes his shot and knocks it back.
Robert: That's one.
Avatar: So...
What do I even talk about? He's so cool. And he probably hates small talk...
Avatar: Uh... So how are... things...?
Robert: I hate small talk.
Avatar: Okay.
Robert: Too many people—and this isn't necessarily you—but too many people think that they have to fill the dead air with noise. Personally I think they're afraid of the silence. Or they're afraid of what the other person is gonna think of the silence.
Robert: If you want some unsolicited advice, just learn to be comfortable with silence.
Robert: Nothing wrong with two people sitting in silence and drinking whiskey.
Avatar: Oh... alright.
Robert and I sit in silence and drink whiskey. I take in the rest of the bar: patrons laughing, playing darts, spilling beer; Mary giving the hard sell to that young man, the young man pretending he got a phone call from one of his friends. Huh... maybe silence is nice sometimes.
Robert: So, you ever kill a man?
I choke on my drink.
Avatar: Excuse me?
Robert: You know, watch the life drain from someone's eyes. It's not just their life, you know. It's their hopes and dreams draining away. Every memory and experience they've ever had...gone.
Avatar: Uh... no.
Robert: Great, me neither.
Robert knocks back his shot and motions for me to do the same. I reciprocate.
Robert: I'm just messing with you. Relax.
I laugh nervously.
Robert: Or am I?
I laugh nervously, again.
We sip more whiskey and people watch some more. Mary has her sights set on another man after the other one excused himself to the bathroom and, I assume, crawled out of the window.
Gosh, this whiskey's hitting me hard.
Avatar: Gosh, this whiskey's hitting me hard.
Robert: You betcha.
Robert gets up out of the booth, shouldering his jacket.
Robert: LET'S ROLL!
Robert: Sorry. Whiskey. Inside voices.
Robert: Let's roll.
Avatar: Wait, what about Mary?
Robert: Brother, Mary is gonna be just fine.
I look over at Mary, who's lying on the bar in front of some poor sap. She's singing Happy Birthday to him while he insists that it's not his birthday.
In a parking lot[ | ]
We make our way out of the bar and back onto the street. I'm trying my hardest not to stumble, but man, that sidewalk is just coming right at me. I hope Robert doesn't notice me tripping over my own feet like this is the first time I've ever been drunk.
Avatar: Where to?
Robert: You'll see.
I follow Robert through street lamp spotlights until we eventually arrive at a run down strip mall. There's a beauty salon, a sex shop, a computer repair store that looks like it's been closed for ten years, and finally, a liquor store.
Robert: Wait here. I'll be right back.
After a minute, Robert returns with two wine bottles in brown paper bags. He hands one to me.
Robert: Cheers.
He sits on the curb and drinks. He motions for me to do the same. This is really not where I expected the night to go.
I take a sip.
Avatar: White zinfandel?
Robert: What?
Avatar: Nothing. I just wasn't expecting...
Robert: It is delicious, fruity, and refreshing. Don't judge me.
I start to say something, think of his lecture about valuing silence earlier, and stop. I sip on my wine and watch cars drive by.
Robert: Let's throw rocks at shit.
Avatar: Wh—!
Robert suddenly hurls a rock at a stop sign. The ding echoes throughout the empty parking lot.
Robert: That felt good.
He presses a stone into my free hand.
Robert: Now you try.
Avatar: Uhh... I don't know—
Robert: With feeling.
I look at the rock in my hand and look at the stop sign. Back at the rock. Back at the stop sign. I know what has to be done.
- I got a problem with authority - Like
- Avatar: I GOT A PROBLEM WITH AUTHORITY!
- I'm sorry - Love
- Avatar: I'M SORRY!
- I don't know who or what I was apologizing to. It was more of a universal apology. I'm so, so sorry.
- This one's for you, Pappy - Love
- Avatar: I HAVE UNRESOLVED RESENTMENT TOWARD MY FATHER AND I'M GONNA EXPRESS IT THROUGH PROPERTY DAMAGE!
I hurl the rock at the sign. It sails over the stop sign, right into the window of a parked car, leaving a crack.
Robert: Dude, run!
I leap up and dart into the nearest alley, wine in hand. I can hear Robert's footsteps behind me.
After I'm sure I'm far enough away from the cracked window that I am no longer culpable for this heinous crime, I stop to catch my breath.
Robert: Maybe we strike rock throwing from the to-do list.
Avatar: Agreed.
Suddenly, my stomach growls. Oh man. I am starving.
Robert: Let's get pizza.
Avatar: I can't argue with that.
Avatar: Where's good around here? Actually, I don't even care if it's good, it just needs to be edible and in my mouth in the next 5 minutes.
Robert: I know just the place.
At Pete's Piece a' Pizza[ | ]
I follow Robert through a maze of alleys and side streets until we eventually end up in front of a tiny hole-in-the-wall pizza joint. The bright red neon sign reads "Pete's Piece a' Pizza".
Robert: Ta da.
I can see a few exhausted-looking workers behind the counter tossing dough and pulling piping hot pizzas right out of stone ovens. My stomach rumbles again.
We go up to the counter and get ready to order.
Robert: Can I get two slices of Hawaiian pizza? Oh wait, Avatar, you're cool with pineapple on your pizza, right?
- Of course - Like
- We wait a minute for our pizza to come out of the oven. I'm practically drooling at the smell. The cashier hands us each a giant slice on a paper plate so saturated with grease that I'm worried it will fall apart. We take our pizzas outside and wander through the alleyways as we eat.
- I take a bite. It's absolutely delicious.
- Avatar: Pineapple is truly the best pizza topping.
- Robert: You said it.
- Ew, no - Dislike
- Robert grabs me by the collar.
- Robert: I respect your opinion. And I will fight with my life for your right to say it. But where's your sense of adventure? Where's your sense of taste? Why won't you love yourself?
- Robert: The juiciness of the pineapple paired with the tanginess of the sauce is a flavor combination that everyone should experience at least once, if not a thousand times more.
- Robert: Pineapple on pizza is one of the few things in life that I genuinely and thoroughly enjoy. Please. Please just do this for me. No—do this for yourself.
- Cashier: So... two slices of Hawaiian pizza?
- Robert: Abso-goddamn-lutely.
- We wait a minute for our pizza to come out of the oven. I'm practically drooling at the smell. The cashier hands us each a giant slice on a paper plate so saturated with grease that I'm worried it will fall apart. We take our pizzas outside and wander through the alleyways as we eat.
- I take a bite out of the pineapple pizza and, hey, it's actually not that bad. I can't believe I spent so much of my life berating this sort of pizza to all of my friends. Maybe I should give pineapple pizza a shot one day.
Avatar: Man, I feel way better now.
Robert: You and me both.
We hear a noise coming out of a slightly ajar door in the alleyway. Robert looks at me excitedly.
Robert: Got anymore of that wild in ya?
- You betcha! - Love
- Robert: Good on ya.
- I'm so tired... but... - Like
- Avatar: My Dad stamina is waning, but... I'm game for more.
- I love my daughter and I should go home to make sure that she's alright - Dislike
- Robert: Ah, well, that's a shame.
- Avatar: Catch you around, Robert.
- I head home and make sure to drink a glass of water and have a multivitamin before bed. I probably made the right decision. I think.
- [You did not. Ends the date.]
In the movie theatre[ | ]
Robert and I slide the door open and peek inside. It's completely dark except for some flickering light. We slowly creep forward, cautious not to be heard or seen.
Robert: Shh!
Avatar: Don't shush me so loud!
Robert: SHH!
We come to the end of the hallway and find ourselves standing in front of a movie screen. Oh. This suddenly makes sense.
Avatar: Did we really just sneak into a movie theater like a couple of teenagers?
Robert: No talking during the movie!
We look into the audience and are surprised to find that it's almost completely empty, save for a row of a few teenagers in the front. They look annoyed when they notice us.
Robert starts making his way to the very back of the theater and I follow him. We settle in with our wines and try to make sense of this movie. It's a romantic comedy, I think. A young man is frantically trying to get through New York to find the woman that he's finally realized he's in love with.
Robert: KISS ALREADY.
Avatar: There's nobody to kiss yet. You want him to kiss the taxi driver?
Robert: ...hell yeah.
The kids down the way notice us heckling. One of them speaks up.
???: Hey man, keep it down.
Oh damn, that's Ernest Hemingway, Hugo's kid.
Avatar: Ernest! Hey Ernest! I know you! It's me! Your neighbor! Hi!
Ernest turns back around, embarrassed.
I turn back to Robert.
Avatar: He kiss anyone yet?
It turns out that yes, he did kiss someone. He made his way out to a tiny island near New York to profess his love for a woman who for some reason he knew would be there. She tells him that they hit the jackpot. He said that they had, but I think there was some subtext I'm missing here.
Robert: Boooooo, love is dead.
Ernest: Shut up! It's beautiful!
Avatar: No, you shut up.
Ernest grumbles. The credits start to roll. I stand up. Robert immediately pulls me back down.
Robert: Hundreds of people worked very hard to make this film happen and you're going to sit here and appreciate them.
Avatar: O...kay...
Robert: Look at that. Elizabeth Shelton. She worked really hard. I bet she did lots of good... uh... wardrobe design. Thank you Eizabeth Shelton for this beautiful film-going experience.
Robert: And...Peter Anders. Catering. Fed a bunch of people so that they could have the energy to do their jobs. What a guy.
We let the credits roll while Robert individually thanks every member of the crew. Once it's finally over and he makes sure no animals were harmed in the making of this film, we leave the movie theater.
In the alleyway[ | ]
We stumble into the theatre parking lot, polishing off the rest of our wine.
???: Hey assholes.
Out of nowhere, a rock flies through the air and hits me on the knee.
Avatar: My knee! What the hell.
Ernest and his friends stand in the alleyway, blocking our exit.
Robert: Oh, what do you guys want.
Avatar: Why'd you go and throw a rock at my knee?
Avatar: This is my good knee! My orthopedist is gonna be pissed.
Ernest tosses another rock up and down in his hands. What's wrong with this kid?
Ernest: You ruined my theater-going experience. Now you have to pay.
Avatar: Oh... well... I don't have any cash on me right now and like... movies got really expensive—
Ernest hucks another rock at my other knee. I'm able to jump out of the way, but I didn't properly stretch before physical activity and I'm probably gonna feel super sore in the morning.
Robert: We ruined it for you? That movie was pretty crappy in the first place.
Ernest: Hey! You take that back! That was a beautiful love story with really genuine acting.
Robert: You call THAT good acting? What classicist mainstream slop have you been served your entire life?
Ernest: What?
Robert: Have you ever even seen any Michael Powell? A Matter of Life and Death? 1946? Easily the toughest five minutes of love you'll ever witness.
Ernest: Listen, man.
Robert: No, you listen. That popcorn-ass drivel the mass media is shoving down your throat will only make you dumber and sadder. You of all people should strive for a higher standard in the art you consume. Your name is Ernest Hemingway, for chrissakes.
Ernest's Friend: OH NO NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.
Ernest rushes Robert, screaming like a banshee.
Ernest: AHHHHHHH!!!!!
I dive between Ernest and Robert, trying to stop the kid. He lunges forward kicking me as hard as he can in the knee.
Avatar: FUCK MY KNEE!
Robert gets in-between Ernest and myself. It's as if he's seeing red.
Fuck my fucking knee hurts.
Robert: [Audio dialogue: No one hurts my friend!] Alright buddy, talk like a punk, get hit like a punk.
Robert squares up into a boxer's stance.
Robert: Queensbury rules. Three minute rounds with one minute rests inbetween. No lowblows, fish hooks, J grabs, or high blows.
Ernest: What?
Robert: And don't even think about pulling an illegal turnstile. That's an automatic deduction of three points.
Ernest: I...
Robert: You'll have to designate a second if you're unable to fulfill your role as the main duelist. One of your friends over there looks like he has enough youthful vivacity to handle it.
Ernest's Friend: Hey man I don't want to get dragged into this. That movie sucked.
Robert: It's too late. You two are blood bound. If he dies, you die.
Robert: Sorry, I don't make the rules. Talk to Queensbury.
Ernest: We're just... gonna go.
Ernest and his friends warily back away. Robert calls after them.
Robert: The Queensbury association will hear about this!
Robert: And consume better content!
Once the teens are safely out of earshot, Robert turns to me.
Avatar: Were you about to actually fight that kid?
Robert: Are you kidding me? I would never hit a child. That would be despicable.
Robert: You throw the rules at 'em, though, they always bolt. Nobody wants a Queensbury-sanctioned throwdown.
Robert: But full disclosure, I made half of that up.
Avatar: Wow.
Robert: See, you don't even have to know the rules. You just make 'em up.
Robert: C'mon, let's get outta here.
Returning home[ | ]
Robert and I cool down a bit as we walk back to the neighborhood.
Robert: I'm so sorry, I get really into the art of filmmaking when I drink.
Avatar: It's okay, I think it's cool how much you like movies. To be honest I don't know a lot about them myself.
Robert: Buddy, I got so much to show you. You ever see any Sam Fuller?
Avatar: I haven't.
Robert: Fuller is cash.
- Thanks for defending my honor - Love
- Robert: It's a little strange when you say it that way but sure why not.
- Thanks for the dinner and a movie - Neutral
- Robert: Dinner was $4 and the movie was free, but you got it.
- Thanks for the adventure - Like
- Robert: Adventure is all I got, buddy.
Robert throws an arm around my shoulder and we drunkenly belt out tunes all the way back. We finally get to his doorstep.
Avatar: This was an... interesting night.
Robert: I liked it.
A smile forms on his cheeks. A rare sight.
Robert: Let's hang again soon, yeah?
Avatar: Yeah.
I linger there for a second, swaying drunkenly in the night breeze. Robert claps me on the shoulder.
Robert: Night bud.
Robert heads back inside and I stumble my way back home.
Second Date[ | ]
[TBA]
A drive[ | ]
[...]
Cliffside[ | ]
[...]
Returning home[ | ]
[TBA]
Third Date[ | ]
[...]
At Jim and Kim's[ | ]
[...]
During the Tour (Part 1)[ | ]
[...]
During the Tour (Part 2)[ | ]
[...]
During the Tour (Part 3)[ | ]
[...]
At Robert's House[ | ]
[...]
Amanda's Graduation Party[ | ]
Val[ | ]
[TBA]
Robert[ | ]
[TBA]
Before Third Date (w/ Joseph)[ | ]
???: Avatar.
That doesn't sound like Joseph. I turn around to find...
Avatar: Robert. Hey.
What's he doing here?
Robert: So. How's Joseph?
Robert comes off as cold immediately. I get the feeling he's not happy I'm here.
And what's with that look? He seems... very angry. Very, very angry.
Avatar: He's... going through some stuff.
Robert: Hmph.
Robert blasts through a cigarette.
Robert: So I guess he's your friend now, huh? Your pal?
Avatar: Oh, he's... Robert, you're my friend too.
Robert: And I suppose two friends just spend the night out on a private yacht together, being buds, chatting about friendship. Is that what two friends do?
His voice gets louder. What's gotten into him?
Avatar: Robert, come on. You know I'm not like that.
Robert: Avatar, you might be an idiot, but I'm not.
Avatar: What's your problem with Joseph anyway?
Robert: I don't like Joseph. I don't trust Joseph. Joseph is a bad guy and I don't want him around you.
Avatar: Robert, you committed petty larceny last week and think you're haunted by the Dover Ghost.
Robert: It was the god damn Dover Ghost.
Robert pauses to calm himself down.
Robert: Joseph's not who you think he is.
Avatar: ...What?
Robert: Ask him about it sometime. Bring it up. And watch your back when you do. Because that guy will put a knife right in it.
Robert flicks a cigarette into the front seat of a recently cleaned schooner before turning to leave. He takes a step, hesitates, then turns back to face me.
Robert: You're both awful. You deserve each other. I'll tell Mary you said hi.
With that, Robert storms off down the pier. Well, okay.
[Later]
Avatar: So... I ran into Robert.
Joseph: Was he... he wasn't waiting at the dock for you, was he?
Avatar: Yes, and smoking like a chimney.
Joseph: That's Robert, alright.
Avatar: Is everything okay between you two? He seemed... angry.
Joseph: It's... hm. How do I put this...? Did Robert ever proposition you for... erm, escapades?
Avatar: Actually, he did.
Joseph: And did you take him up on that?
Avatar: No.
Joseph: Ah, well. That is where we differ.
Avatar: Whaaaaaaat?!
Joseph: I know, I know. Father of four. Family man. Married, for Christsakes. I should never have even... but I was in a bad place, and with Mary constantly out I...
Joseph settles himself before continuing. This definitely gets under his skin.
Joseph: I made a hasty decision. One which Robert does not exactly... ah... he has a weird thing about casual... um...
Avatar: But he asked you.
Joseph: You'd have to ask Robert about the weird Robert politics of... that. He's been weird about it ever since.
Avatar: Huh. But it's over, right?
Joseph: Oh, yes, absolutely. That began and ended on the same day.
Avatar: Well... okay then!
Joseph: So you're not... upset?
Avatar: I'm not. Things happen, Joseph. And I think you of all people deserve a little forgiveness.
Joseph: Thank you, Avatar. That means more than you'll ever know.